Maybe you’ve found yourself at the bottom of a Ben and Jerry’s carton recently, or maybe your mom is secretly sending your significant other subscriptions to bridal magazines. (Maybe it’s both.) Regardless of where you currently sit on the coupledom spectrum, it’s important to take the time to clearly evaluate the non-negotiable hallmarks of a quality relationship. That way, you’ll be adequately prepared to identify your version of love when it comes a-knocking.
Do you laugh at the same stupid shit?
Life is hilarious, but it is much less so if you and the person you’re with don’t see eye-to-eye on what’s actually funny. Your endless enjoyment of Arrested Development will be quickly diminished if your S.O. is only slightly raising a brow at the precise moment that your sphincters are losing the battle to a massive giggle fit. If tears are streaming down his face while he watches a video of a hippopotamus farting but you’re just rolling your eyes and impatiently waiting your turn to show him your favorite Frasier episode… you’re setting yourself up for a future of humorless misery.
Do you think your S.O. smells delicious?
If you answer “no” to this question, you should probably just throw in the towel now. It’s not going to work out. No, but seriously…. science and pheromones and blah blah blah.
3. Do you have facial symmetry with your partner?
As in, do you look genetically related? When you are both wearing khakis and light blue T-shirts, do old ladies smile at you on the sidewalk thinking you’ve just come from a family portrait studio? It might sound oddly eugenic, but research has demonstrated that people enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror, so the closer your S.O. is to your own perfect reflection, the more self-reinforcing it is to feast your eyes upon him. Just be careful to draw a definitive line in the sand when it comes to dating someone whose facial features uncannily complement yours, and dating your brother.
4. Would you be able to sit in a doctor’s office together?
If you’re not comfortable detailing the origin and evolution of your hemorrhoids in the presence of your partner and healthcare provider, you need to get over yourself. And secondly, you need to abandon ship. My best friend once described love as “being able to have a deep and meaningful conversation with another person, when one of you is sitting on the toilet.” I think she was on to something.
Do you feel secure that your partner will defend you, even during times of relational hardship?
This alludes to the idea that a good relationship is like a giant safety cocoon. Even if you ate the last slice of cheesecake that was very clearly and obviously marked for your partner, you need to have the confidence that he won’t go to work the next day in a sugarless frenzy and tarnish your name. You and your S.O. should be each others’ best advocates. Choosing a partner is like employing a personal PR representative. A PR rep that also makes you dinner and gives you foot rubs. Isn’t that nice?
6. Are the items in your “con” column frequently revisited?
At a family wedding a couple years of ago, the officiant gave some good advice to the bride and groom. He handed them each a piece of paper and told them to write down the three things about each other that they would change if they could. At the altar, they were forced to reach into the darkest crypts and vaults of the Relationship Fortress and identify the worst aspects of the person they were about to be linked to for the rest of time. The officiant collected their lists and, without reading them, crumpled them up and cast them aside. He then suggested to the two of them that if they could successfully reconcile with or forget about those three things in that moment, they would live a happy life together.
Good relationships are like that. In a world of imperfect people full of disgusting and aggravating traits, you know you’ve got it good when you and your partner mutually choose to disregard the negative aspects of each other and focus on your strengths. One of which is, hopefully, reading dating advice blogs.
